For my birthday, my stepmom got me several books; some Ray Bradbury, Douglas Adams, and Margaret Atwood. I've managed to get through two of them since then, which is quite a feat for me. I read voraciously and love getting lost in novels, but I find I have ever-dwindling time and energy to devote to this pastime. The last book was "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood.

To put it simply, I loved this book from the first page to the last. It's only the second book of hers I've read, but it gripped me in exactly the same way as "The Handmaid's Tale." I'll probably divulge some spoilers from here on out, so if you have an interest and don't mind knowing what happens, carry on, wayward son. To be sure, these are just some of my initial thoughts in the wake of the book, and from looking at online forums in an attempt to decipher the ending, so the format is sure to be a little rough and "stream-of-consciousness" style. As a reader, I never try to delve too deeply into what happens next, instead opting for a pleasant, "enjoy the ride" mentality. I think it spoils what could be an otherwise enjoyable experience with a form of instant, intellectual gratification.

In my interweb cruisings, I found a forum of avid readers who had quite the opinion on the book: most saying that it was trite, predictable, unoriginal, and therefore not worth the time and money. It wasn't well researched enough, terminology (rakunks, pigoons, wolvogs, BlyssPluss Pills, OrganInc Farms) was unimaginative and therefore ludicrous. Certain story arcs were useless or otherwise made no sense to the main story at hand. "Why was the book called 'Oryx and Crake' when Oryx had very little to do with what happened in the book?" "A mad scientist who sees his plans to fruition is a terribly dull plot. It's been run into the ground." "The science made no sense." "The characters are two dimensional, and boring." "Why did Crake kill Oryx? What purpose did that serve, and why did Crake leave Jimmy in charge?"

To me, it seems these readers have missed point of this book. That is, they miss they dialogue it opens up about what it means to be human, and the very definition (or redefinition) of humanity. The science doesn't have to be accurate for the book to make its point. The plot doesn't have to be original for Atwood to convey her message. Who decided that art has to be original for it to be "good," anyway? Throughout human history, there are multiple examples of ideas and technologies arising simultaneously in two separated parts of the world. Who is to say which is more original, and therefore "better," than the other? Human society as we know it has been around for several thousand years, there can be no originality left. The same things are being done, it is merely the players and the stage which change at each interval. Speaking of theatres, many of Shakespeare's plays had plotlines blatantly plagiarized from other authors. That does not change how touching The Winter's Tale is when Hermione awakes and reunites with King Leontes. The initial idea is nonessential. That's not what art is about. Art is about emotion, and it is about how it makes us feel. Taking the play example one step further, so what if we've seen a thousand reproductions of Hamlet? We know what happens, of course, but that doesn't change the power of the actors, or a new interpretation on an old theme. It doesn't change the emotions it invokes, or how it makes us *feel* afterwards.

Through Snowman's flashbacks of his life as Jimmy, we see how Crake goes from being an introverted, slightly antisocial, but genius, young man at HelthWyzer High to his career as genetic manipulator for the company RejoovenEsense. Throughout the narrative, Snowman is haunted by his obsession with Oryx. She comes to him in his dreams, ethereal echoes in his head, or through his flashbacks. For Snowman, his entire life hinged on Oryx and Crake: they were the two most pivotal people in his life. Interestingly enough, Oryx was just as important to Crake. When they first see a picture of her, eight-years-old on the HottTrotts website, Crake is the one who freezes the frame, and downloads the picture, printing off a copy for Jimmy. While Jimmy hoards this picture, taking it with him always to stare at that haunted look on Oryx's eyes, later on Atwood demonstrates that it had just as much of an effect on Crake: it was his secret gateway into the MaddAddam grandmaster forum from the Extinctathon website, and is the picture he brought to Student Services to find him an escort. He sought her out. He found her. He fell in love with her. Together, they fostered and nurtured the "Crakers," the genetic experiment that was the ideal "human." Not only that, but Oryx was the agent who distributed the BlyssPluss pills, the delivery system for the supervirus which wiped out humankind.

One could even go so far as to say that Crake's vision for a better human being could have been triggered by Oryx. Theirs was an "evil" world with its violence, its greed, its drugs, its sexual obsessions. These are what the boys spent watching, stoned out of their gourds, during their youth. The inherent flaws in human nature caused such industries to prosper, allowing for innocents, young girls like Oryx, to be sold into sexual slavery and taken advantage of. It allowed wars to rage on. Crake wanted to eliminate these sordid characteristics. His father was murdered because he discovered HelthWyzer's plot to manufacture drugs and antidotes in order to make the most profit. Crake seems one-sided because the reader does not have the luxury of being privy to his thoughts. We can only experience what it is that Snowman relates to us, butt it is clear what life-changing events motivated Crake to his end goal.

Additionally, Crake trusted Jimmy above all else. He was his only friend. Even after years of silence, he still kept tabs on him, made sure he was doing alright. So, even though Jimmy was emotionally immature, and lacked the genius of his companion, there was something Crake valued about this. He was the only one he would completely let his guard down with. He trusted Jimmy, but he loved Oryx. He once asked "Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain?" His vision was ultimately altruistic: he wanted to cleanse the world of its debauchery, even though he knew the process would be painful. He killed Oryx to spare the one he loved pain, and because he trusted Jimmy, he was comfortable leaving the Crakers under his protection. It's almost like a Romeo and Juliet-type twist to the story. Crake didn't want Oryx to suffer because he loved her, but to live without her would be too much suffering for him to bear. Therefore, he came to Jimmy, his trusted friend, knowing what would happen. "I'm counting on you," he said before he slit her throat. Maybe he recognized in Jimmy an element of humanity he wanted to preserve, something that neither he nor Oryx possessed. He wanted to cleanse the Earth of the misery that homo sapiens sapiens wrought, and to do that, he had to eliminate *all* of them, including himself and his beloved.

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It's funny. I was reading through one of my really old entries today... It read "If I work my ass off, I'll be able to graduate by Spring 08!"

Well. Here I am. Winter 2009. Finally on the cusp of graduation. I've got so many things to work out in the meantime. I work seven days a week and I don't even work full time... I'm going to school half time... but this is my last term at LBCC. I'm going to transfer to OSU in the Fall... hopefully... if I can get all the paperwork done, that is. If I can find the time to. I'm not sure how all the works. I still need to meet with both of my advisors, get my worksheet filled out and approved and so on.

I'm just so tired, anymore. And depressed. And gaining weight. And hating. And regretting. So much negativity all built up inside me.... Sigh....

Whew. It's been a while. Time to dust this thing off, I suppose. Not that many people read it.

Lately I've taken to journaling manually. I feel this is the best way. Online journaling is fraught with attention whoring and other constraints against complete open honesty in expressing how one is feeling.
Humans are odd that way, needing to externalize their emotions.

I leave you with an excerpt from my journal that I feel is pertinent to my current situation in life:

"...Although the con also made me get in touch with just how lonely I am, and how there are two aspects of my personality that are polar opposites of each other.

One side of me is so desperate to be loved and the other is so desperate to remain unfettered. I wish there was some way to reconcile these two aspects of myself.

I feel like I want all the intimacy and romanticism of a stable relationship without all the work. I want to be able to love someone and leave them at the drop of a hat. I don't want to coddle them, I don't want to deal with someone who refuses to help themselves. Every second I'm in a relationship with someone who is less than secure in themselves,  is a second I'm straining to be freed from my bonds.

It's an interesting dichotomy I see in myself that I so desperately want and despise the same thing all at the same time. I don't know what to to about it. I mean, I could settle and appease one aspect, but I wouldn't be happy. I'd get the affection I need, and none of the independence I crave. Or vice versa.

It's almost impossible to find someone who will match what I bring to the table. Someone who will give me love when I need it and independence when I don't. This weekend has definitely put some things in perspective for me. I used to think I was just out to score and get free dinner, but now I know better...

I know what I want, but I also know there's no way in hell I'm going to get it.

I'll have to be content with my high standards and self-perpetuating tower of isolation..."

That is all.

Good night.